Counseling for Men
Men and Masculinity
Counseling for Men is Different
An honest, respectful and authentic understanding of the issues encountered in the lives of men may seem controversial or counterintuitive for some people. Here are facts on the relative status of men in modern society:
Here is the 2024 California Report on the Status of Boys and Men, published by the Global Initiative for Boys and Men. Take a few moments to review it.
Population statistics and research studies have repeatedly shown that men, on average, live shorter lives than others, due in part, due to higher rates of suicide and workplace deaths. Census records consistently report men as the majority of the homeless. Men, on average, comprise the majority of people put under restraining orders and incarcerated in jails and prisons. Bias against male defendants contributes to disparities in the American criminal justice system, including the administration of the death penalty.
Importance of Caring for Men
As fathers, husbands and heads of households, men naturally assume responsibility to prosper and produce plentiful incomes and bountiful economic resources and assets to bestow their families with basic needs, necessities and lifestyles of comfort and leisure. Appropriately so, men entrust their spouses and partners with responsibility for economically utilizing this shared prosperity and resources for the benefit of others, acquired through commitment to their labors and careers.
Optimally, and in most cases, these shared responsibilities through divisions of family and household roles, serves as the foundation for healthy committed relationships, marriages and healthy families, and the greater good of society at large. Unfortunately, in some situations, shared communication deficiencies, acute difference of experience, perspective and opinion, relational aggression and discord, may fester and ultimately lead to a man being separated from his partner, divorced from his spouse, separated from his children, while assigned continued responsibility for the welfare of all.
Yes, You Can Handle the Truth
The reality of Men’s psychological and emotional experience is, indeed in the majority of cases, very unique to each individual. Men hold, experience, process, express and release emotional material in a manner that is healthy and uniquely masculine. Men also experience everyday traumas, and deal with the common emotion of grief in ways that may be invisible, undervalued and misunderstood. At times this may compound a man’s suffering and sense of isolation, however counterintuitive, a man’s suffering may point him towards providence.
It remains common that a man’s emotional pain is simply either unrecognizable or is taboo in our culture, despite societal encouragement for men to ‘be more vulnerable’ – just take a look at the representation of men, boys and especially Fathers in news media, advertising, film and television programming – and then ask yourself, “Is that this the way I want the world to think of my own Father? my own Brother? my own Son?…”
To make matters worse, men not only are ignored in their pain, it has become more acceptable to stigmatize, overgeneralize and collectively blame men, as a singular identified birth group, as solely responsible for perceived injustices in overall human history, and scapegoats for the ills of society.
Measuring Men: How Masculine are You?
It has become de rigueur to speak negatively about men. References and characterizations of men, using pejorative terms such as ‘toxic-masculinity,’ ‘male-chauvinist,’ ‘privileged’ and ‘patriarchy’ are commonplace. Pathologizing outspoken, assertive, confident and successful men, particularly men others relied upon to successfully perform in leadership roles, as ‘narcissistic’ is done without fair consideration of men’s experience. Using such negative labeling without real rationalistic basis of evidence, is clearly a form of bullying, othering and shaming.
From decades of counseling experiences getting to know many men, and working successfully with them with problems of living, I’ve noticed the contemporary field of psychotherapy and counseling misunderstands men in general, despite efforts. Views in these professions perpetuate the emasculation of men, through utilization of clinical assessment frameworks for measuring masculine characteristics relative to others. Clinical applications of the CNMI (Conformity to Masculine Norms Inventory) and the MRNS (Male Role Norms Scale) objectify and diminish men into categorical degrees of masculinity according to standardized criteria, subtly value judging ranges of masculinity.
My Journey into Counseling for Men
Advocating for Boys and Men
When I entered the psychotherapy profession, I brought the intention to practice as a generalist, carrying out my personal value of gratitude for all individuals, utilizing the gift of my life for the greater good and the betterment of society at large, resolving as a generalist-therapist to “help the world become a better place, one person at a time.”
Since graduate school, I have been interested in working to learn more about men’s issues and to learn better ways to provide counseling services that were proven to actually be helpful for men. Throughout the entirety of my psychotherapy career, I’ve found it frustrating there seemed to be a lack of adequate clinical training specific to addressing men’s issues. There were books, continuing education, even certifications for serving various other vulnerable populations and marginalized persons, yet few contemporary publications and professional clinical training courses are designed for the common, ordinary male, that do not center the nature of men and the natural masculine as form of pathos. Thankfully, in searching further, I have found The Palgrave Handbook of Male Psychology and Mental Health, published by Springer/McMillan, as one excellent, comprehensive and reliable source of clinical reference material on men’s psychological issues and effective treatment.
As the years progressed, I found myself working in private practice with more male clients, not necessarily by choice, because typically, most help-seeking men would naturally look for a male therapist.
My experiences in community mental health agencies, academia, and in private psychotherapy practice, have provided me with insights into the hardships that grieving and traumatized men face, in not being respected, heard or acknowledged in their emotional pain.
Working with men from the late 1990’s through to the present, I’ve experienced personally, and observed in the public milieu, negative cultural biases against men in general. I is easy to find views of maleness by their very nature, as suspect, dangerous, oppressive, violent, hostile, foolish, untrustworthy and “toxic.” Views such as these are divisive, cause more harm than good, both for those holding such views, and for the men to whom are targeted. It seems men on the one hand are held to high standards in a healthy society, and on other hand implicated as solely responsibility for societal dysfunction. I support a fair assessment of boys and men, maleness and masculinity, in practice, and by being an example.
If you are interested in learning more about the psychology of boys and men, I highly recommend accessing the works of Michael Gurian and the Gurian Institute. Another excellent writer for learning about the ways of boys and men is Tom Golden. Tom’s publication, The Way Men Heal provides a concise, common sense explanation of men’s psychological development, understanding male grief, and how to maintain male mental health. Warren Farrell, the only man to be elected three times to the board of directors of the National Organization for Women, and the author of The Myth of Male Power, brings an important and informative perspective to the field of male psychology in his work, The Boy Crisis
Concerns regarding men’s issues are addressed in a recent proposal for a White House Council for Boys and Men and the Global Initiative for Boys and Men. Both of these are good-faith efforts for bringing balanced perspectives and increasing awareness of the relevant issues of boys and men in our society. However, here in California, there are no state supported programs favorably addressing all men’s issues
Men are to be treated, as are all human beings, with love, dignity and respect. In some ways, the issues of men tend to be minimized, in a ‘pull yourself up by your bootstraps’ or ‘he deserved it’ mentality. Knowing less about men’s issues, minimizing the impacts, appears similar to how grief and loss were considered, before grief and loss became more legitimized through entertainment media beginning in the 1970’s. Internationally, Men’s Voices Ireland and the Australian #MenToo initiatives are educating the public at large.
Here are some more useful links for education and information on Men’s Issues and Male Mental Health:
